This Day In Mythology

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2010-03-10T15:42:45Z

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Cerberus Bites Man

2010-02-12T21:34:25Z

“Painful, Painful to the extreme!” that’s how Apollo God of war responded while exiting the hospital hand wrapped in white cloth bandages. “I mean who would have thought that a three headed hound that guards the gates of the underworld could bite so hard!”

Hades the legal owner of the Cerberus stated that he was “A faithful guard and has never bitten any save for the souls of the dammed who from time to time try to break out of the underworld to roam the dark as living corpses. Also he is a wonderful family pet, great with kids.”

At the gateway to hell police tape holds back crowds of the slain waiting for entrance into the underworld. Here there are stains of blood, a broken chain with three ends and a sign stating “Don’t tease the hound.. this goes for you Apollo!”

Apollo stated in his statement to law enforcement that he was not “teasing the beast”, but admits he was waving aggressively at the dead crossing Styx. “Hey some people drink, some like strippers, I tease the forlorn souls of the dammed, does that make me a Demon?”

Hades has lashed out that “Apollo is still upset that he managed to license Apollo’s name to NASA in the sixties for a rocket program and just can’t let it go,” stating that “This is not the first time that I have had run in with this pipsqueak.”

Tyr god of justices and head of the Anti Devine Canine league has spoken out that this yet another senseless attack of a large mythic canines and that “There is no reason for these beast at all. Maybe Hades should invest in a nice poodle.”

“Poodle!” fired back the Greek god of the underworld. “We would be up to our temples in undead flesh eating zombies if the underworld was guarded by a Poodle” Maybe Tyr should take juggling lessons.

Judge Odin latter that day released Cerberus back to its owner stating that “Giant Devine Canines pose no real threats to the mythical creatures of the earth. It’s not like these beast can swallow you or anything”

Tyr has announced that he is going to appeal this case all the way to the celestial courts. “I’m telling you, beasts like this have no place in our world and should never be trusted. They should all be bound by chains on some distant island.”

UN Admits Reason For Global Economic Downturn

2010-02-04T17:37:04Z

In the middle of a recessionary recovery that seems to be going nowhere fast, now comes news that has rocked the economies of the world and sent stock market values plunging. Last Wednesday lawyers from Mythica delivered a notice to the governments of the earth at the UN. The contents of this “Notice” are just now being released and the news is pretty grim.

In the single largest disability claim in history the Giant Tortoise Kurma has made it clear that he is no longer able to support the world on his back. Sighting medical reports clearly showing both stress factures and signs of carpel shell syndrome, Kurma has filed a claim so large that if paid would represents 25% of all wealth ever made upon the Earth.

In a closed session of the UN security council attorneys for Kurma stated that “It cannot be easy both medically and physically to support the weight of the entire world plus four fat elephants that have done nothing to control their weight.”

In response the four pillar elephants plan to go on Oprah to talk about their weight issues. They have stated many times that “holding the world on your back looks easy but you don’t get a lot of aerobic activity. Weight issues are a constant battle.”

The UN has promised to launch a crack team of Medical experts to validate a claim this large as soon as the giant Texas sized MRI is funded and completed. A member of the Security Council speaking off the record stated, “After the last months disastrous Copenhagen meeting on climate change it is unclear how dedicated the world is to act to preserve it’s self on this issue.”

Dr. Secundis the UN’s top medical aid specialist spoke from Haiti this morning stating “Paying the claim is one thing, treating a shell this large is going to take centuries in a recovery clinic of unimaginable proportions”

Long time companion of Kurma and Japanese kaiju actor from the 60’s Gamera is planning on reuniting with his all Turtle SKA band to hold a world wide media event to raise money for this “shell enhancement procedures” This afternoon Howard Kaylan and Mark Volman, the famous Flo and Eddie of the band “The Turtles” announced that they will be onboard as well along with all four of the teenage mutant ninja turtles who have put aside their legal difference to “Speak up for the big dude, he’s the best, just turtles all the way down man.” said Donatello during an MTV interview.

Meanwhile spokesman for the Testudines Anti-defamation League and one time child icon turned activist, Yertle, stated on the TADL web page that “When will the world see us as anything but slow and dim witted? We cannot afford to hide in our shells on this issue. You can’t just put us in shoe box, feed us lettuce and tell us to shut up anymore!"

The worldwide stock market downturn shows no sign of letting up as the status of this gigantic medical claim has been changed to pending.

Sam Grendal Private Eye

2010-01-28T15:23:42Z

I was sitting in my office on the lower north side of Mythica, you may know it as Norse town, a gritty place, not for the weak of heart. For me, this place is home. My office is on the second floor right above Idunn’s apples, a seedy bar and by that I mean everything drink they serve is a mixed apple drink. Hey, rents cheep and the drinks are passable so I can’t complain.

Things were tight, you would think after finding the lost car shop of Atlantis and recovering the miracle electric car that gets ten thousand miles to the gallon of gas I would be flush with work… but I would have had a better chance of surviving Ragnarok in covered in flammable jelly then getting a job in the last month.

I was just about to call it a day, when she came in. My secretary, a notorious Harpy, had taken off for the day having heard of a ship of men was sighted off the coast. She had left in a hurry leaving everything unlocked. I could see her outline through the glass of my office door and it said trouble. She knocked and without thinking I invited her in.

“Are you Sam Grendal?” she asked.

“That depends,” I said. “Are you single?”

She laughed that way most Nymph laugh. A way that says, “Oh I’m laughing now but I will give you the best loving you have ever had then leave you for the next satyr that crosses my track because you can’t commit and work too many long hours…” I've heard it all before.

“I would like to higher you,” she said taking a seat opposite of me. “My father Apollo has gone missing.”

I told her right then “I don’t take Greek cases baby,” Try Spartacus Jones.

“I tried him,” she said with a careless laugh. “He’s just not that into sex.”

“I don’t take sex for payment,” I warned her and when she asked why I told her “Sex don’t pay no bills and because my land lord is a male and I don’t want see how he would makes change for a payment in sex.”

She promised me she would pay conventionally but didn’t have the money right now. She told me a sob story about how her father was worth millions and that were I to find him he would pay me a hefty sum. I don’t like working for vague amounts but this is Mythica the land of myth and that’s the way things are done.

I told her I would take the case but she would have to tell me everything. She offered to do it in a nude interpretive dance but I suggested that telling me would be fine. Ha! Nymphs.

So it went like this, Apollo was working some angel trying to smuggle in illegals. You see standard myths all have personifications but there was an entire other race of myths based on modern concepts that are crossing the boarder ever day taking jobs from normal law abiding myths.

He had apparently signed up with a Cuban who went by the name “Workers Paradise” she mentioned that I should start there. Apollo ran a day labor pool and was getting his labor from Workers Paradise. After while they would set the laborers up and they would become citizens under some cover name and pay 1 tenth of what they made to Workers Paradise while Apollo got cheep labor.

Against my better judgment I took the case for my standard fee. I could have jacked the price up but there was something about her. Something that said danger but also something that said “He sailor you come her often.” You had to be careful working with Nymphs their magical charm could turn you inside out but I was sure I was seeing things right.

After she left I hailed a Centaur and told him Greek town. The ride was bumpy and I couldn’t get her out of my mind. Nymphs were like that, like watching high school catholic girls all lined up in their uniforms, you couldn’t purge it from your mind…uh but that’s… something else all together.

I knew better then sticking my nose in where it didn’t belong. I decided to take the long way round and I knew where to start. Get a little background information first is the smart play. Just barging in without knowing the ground is a good way to get kicked in the tail.

I hopped off at the Aquifer a local dive that catered to the low life’s and wanna be demigods who all thought they were hot shit. Inside it was happy hour and the joint was busy. I ordered a whisky and got an Ambrosia sour instead.

I saw him in the corner holding court with a hand full of muses. He saw me coming at the last moment and tried to get up to run but the it was too late. “Going someplace Aristaeus? I asked.

“I was.. I was Ju ju ju ju just going ba ba back to my pasture,” He stammered. Now I may be half dragon but I’m no dummy. I pushed him back into the booth and the muses scattered.

“You buying a round of drinks for the ladies?” I asked. “How does a demigod of pasture lands, cows and bees make that sort of scratch?” He looked at me with those big brown eyes.

“I I I found some...”

“Save it for the police,” I told him. “I know your working with your father.”

He looked like he was about to choke on a pickle.

“My father is Uranus,” He spat.

“Yeah!” I told him, everyone knew the tale and everyone know that when Uranus was away that’s when Apollo came to play.

“Listen you have one chance to come clean on this,” As I spoke I caught sight of a two hoplites in the corner giving me the stink eye.

“I I I Cant talk here,” He said nodding to the hoplites. “Co co come by my pasture tonight at the full moon. I Pa pa pa promise to be there.”

I let him go, I knew just being seen with me was dangerous enough. I found my way out and was heading up Xerxes alley when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to face the two hoplites.

“What are you doing back in Greek town?” said the shorter of the two.

“You know me boys I’m half dragon I ‘m here ripping the arms off of people” They didn’t like that answerer and took a step back. Now to be honest I’m only a quarter dragon on my mothers side but they didn’t need to know that.

“Zeus ain’t going to like you hanging out in Greek town,” said the taller Hoplite who was missing half his nose. I remembered him from the case of the broken sword. Lets just say the metaphor nose to the grindstone works no better in Mythica then in real life.

“Yeah! “ agreed the shorted Hoplite. “He aint gonna to take nicely to you being here.”

“We’ll you tell Zeus I’m working a case. Nothing to do with him and he wont hear boo from me.” I knew these two would be trouble, I pondered ripping their arms off right there but decided against it. They scurried off to find their boss to let him know I was in town, by the time the big man got the word I hoped to be gone.

Back home by dinner I told myself. Out of harms way, case solved and maybe even my favorite nymph would show up and expressing her appreciation for my swift action.. Done by dinner… but sometimes the greatest myth is the one we tell our selves.

……Tune in next week for more Sam Grendal Private Eye

Terrorist Attack Cripples Commute.

2010-01-22T21:43:04Z

(Ratatosk Daily Chitter) Asgardians face a difficult commute as the Bifrost Bridge, the only bridge linking the Norse heaven with Midgard, was closed by chief enginer Heimdahl after an act of Terrorism that destroyed the entire middle span. “I don’t mean to blow my own horn here but I have been warning about this for the last five centuries” said Heimdall “What will it take to get the political system of Asgard to get on the same page and build another bridge that has been overdue since 1066."

Resistance to long proposed Midgard Bypass Bridge has been stalled for almost a thousand years as each god vies for their own personal feature. Thor, Norse god of thunder has refused to give his stamp of approval to a new bridge unless a special giant goat pulled chariot lane was added.

Opposing Thor, Frey the fertility god has been equally determined to add a commuter cat lane for any vehicle pulled by cats or for gods who sport a giant penis not a “stubby little hammer”. Some point the finger of blame directly at Odin, the All Father himself for his insistence on the addition of light rail tracks, a bike commuter path and an eight legged horse express lane for the reason that the Midgard Bypass bridge project has ground to a halt.

Meanwhile question remain as to just what happened to cause the mid span collapse. Such destruction has never before been seen on the Bifrost. Strange, giant sized Runic graffiti located near the collapsed span translates into “!Ti Did ikoL” but police chief Tyr said while visiting the bridge that there is nothing to go on so far, but went on to state that he is betting his remaining good hand that he will catch the perpetrator of what he called the single greatest act of terrorism ever to strike the nine world.

Even Loki the Norse God of Mischief speaking by phone after he entered his tenth stint in “Evil Rehab” decried the terrorist as “Wanton, evil, foul, bastard, obviously an evil mastermind. probably a shape shifter. such a low being probably breeds with horses and giants if you ask me.” He then broke into evil maniacal laughter and shouted “Kiss It!” and hung up.

Heimdall is estimating repairs to take four full moons and cost a staggering ten percent of the Asgardians annual budget. When asked by snarled commuters what they should do until then, responded with. “you go two choices waiting and learning to climb down a giant tree.”

As a precaution Chief Tyr has elevated the Asgardian terrorist alert to “Fenrir”

Gang War Heats Up.

2010-01-19T16:49:38Z

The harbor is running red with blood as violence explodes between rival gangs. The long established peace of the 43^rd pier Tritons and the Riverton Mermen ended after rapper Notorious F.I.N. and was slain outside the treasure chest club on Saturday night.

Despite a heavy police presence in response to the slaying it didn’t take long for things to get out of hand. The seas exploded in a feeding frenzy of violence as the two rivals went at it scale and tale, Each side arming themselves with everything from harpoons and tridents to nets and spinning glows.

Many believe that Notorious F.I.N was killed in retaliation for last months slaying of popular mermen rapper Biggy GILs who was found murdered in his palatial coral estate recording studio. This murder case has yet to yield a single witness despite the presence of over two hundred party goers.

Police have responded to the mounting violence by deploying more patrol boats and a virtual army of nixies, sea nymphs and giant crabs to keep but the peace. Few hold out hope that the increased police presence will be effective at curbing the violence.

Even Police chief Nessy, once Scotland’s strict “netting and depth charging” law enforcement official, seems to be at a loss as to how to end this cycle of violence. She started with what sounded like a conciliatory tone when she opened her press conference with “This sad escalation of violence can only bring about more death and destruction and benefit only the sushi chefs of the world.”

The battle is over drugs. The 43^rd Pier Tritons once exclusive grip on Sea Weed has been broken by a new golf steam connection that has made the Mermen richer and better armed then ever. The Tritons have responded by encroaching on the Mermens sales of a snortable seashell based drug that goes by the street name of “Blowfish” and has become all the rages in schools across the sea.

Now the battle is over turf and the reefs have become a war zone. Where once there was peace now the sound of Swim-By’s fill the night and the chop chop chop of spinning propellers has become commonplace.

Responsible rappers such as Puffer Daddy have reached out to the community calling for a peaceful resolution stating, “This doesn’t need to happen we are all the children of the sea.” Meanwhile rapper Flavor Fin has stated “We should stop being suckerfish and focus our energy on fighting the real enemy, the hands behind the nets”

As another low tide approaches it is doubtful anything will have changed. One local lobster reportedly packing up to move spoke for all the locals when he said. “You can’t teach these young men. They were spawned and abandoned to grow on their own. They have no moral compass. We are all one school, until we realize that the killing will continue.”

G-Spot Receives Heroes Welcome.

2010-01-15T20:26:30Z

The G-spots triumphantly returns to the lands of Myth thanks to a recent study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine science that ruled out its existence. Greeted by a spontaneous tickertape parade as it made it’s way down main street escorted by over two dozen Tiger woods ”I love you, you’re the only women for me” text messages.

It has been almost thirty years since the G-spot entered the “real world” touted by sex therapist and specialist and that makes it the longest running penetration of the outside since much touted escape of sexual siren Angelina Jolie. During that time it has caused more personal quest then the fountain of youth and has brought pleasure to many couples that learned the secret was not the existence of this myth, but its diligent and attentive pursuit.

The mayor of the mythic lands Terpsichore, the Greek muse of dance, greeted the returning G-spot with the key to the city and a pass to ride any centaur at any time, “Welcome back to our loving lands,” she proclaimed, then went on to say ”I can’t wait to get my hands on you!”

G-spot is just one of many recent returning citizens, last summer the planet Pluto made a surprising appearance having been down graded. In the last month both Grassy knoll Gunman and Hooker With Heart of Gold also found their way home until the next Oliver Stone or Julia Roberts movie gives them a passport to the real world.

Even the dour Sphinx seemed a touch excited. “I remember when we were young playing endless games of hide and seek with the G-Spot.” He reminisced. “It’s enough to make you smile… well almost”

“I can’t tell you what this means to me.” squealed the G-spot addressing the crowd of adoring fans that included dragons, unicorns, Bigfoots and Hollywood Agents Who Care. “I’m just tickled to be back.”

Hollywood Mourns 1980's Mega Star Found Dead.

2010-01-12T07:39:36Z

ET Phone Found Dead!

Yesterday Police were requested at the Abyssal Hotel responding to a call from management when staff detected an unpleasant order coming from room 7 the “Panther Room” After knocking and yelling warnings, the Police entered the room registered under the name “Glow Finger” only to discover the 1980’s most beloved icon of aliens, ET, dead from an apparent combination of drugs and alcohol.

Long time friend Yoda, who appearing on CNN's Larry King last night said, “Alcohol he could not take, Movie you see for proof of that.” Then added in a solemn tone, “For him the intervention to late is.”

President Tinkerbelle of the Union of Luminous Beings Local 757 held a press conference today stating, “When Hollywood needs a hero for a child’s story they jump at whatever glowing limb or luminous beings they can lay their hand on.”

ULB 757 Vice President Rudolf the Rednose Reindeer added “This is the sort of tragedy that occurs when Hollywood uses then neglects it’s most beloved figures. Look at the sad demise of the Antarean aliens from Cocoon, has Hollywood learned nothing?”

The well documented downward spiral of ET began immediately after the release of his smash 80’s movie. it started with his investing his sizable proceeds in the Atari game company and Michael Dukakis for president campaign. He lost it all as his game languished, Atari folded and Dukakis was soundly trounced and went on to start an artificial eyebrow prosthetic company. In the end ET was forced to auction off his spaceship like mansion and exotic hover car collection to pay bill collectors and the IRS back taxes he owed after they denied his Alien status as a disability.

At one time the likes of Steven Spielberg, Drew Barrymore and Michel Jackson would take his calls in a glowing heartbeat but soon he couldn’t even phone home. Making the rounds of public service announcements and Christmas specials the fatal blow to his dwindling career fell when Universal Studios closed down the ET ride leaving him without a source of income and living in a trailer park where he paid rent by offering his plant healing skills to local pot growers.

The final straw seems to have been his now infamous audition for Steven Spielberg’s remake of War of Worlds. A role he stated he was “Born to play” When he showed up fifty pounds overweight and slurring his lines it was decided to go with computer generated aliens. This rejection seemed to have been the beginning of the end. “There’s no more place for actors like me, its all Freaking CG!” he screamed as he stormed out of the audition an event recorded and posted on Youtube and has received over seven hundred thousand hits.

Celebrity addiction specialist Dr. Drew was reported to have been in talks to include the ET in his upcoming VH1 reality program called “Washed up 80’s Rehab” But no announcements or statements have been forth coming from Dr. Drew or VH1

The sad last days of ET were made even worse by the release on TMZ of a video of this once beloved Alien offering himself for rides to young boys on bicycles at Venice Beach. On the grainy handheld video you could hear this alien, who once had millions, haggling for a hand full of Reese’s Pieces.

Funeral services are planned for Thursday and inside sources say that none of the big Hollywood names from his past will be attending. Spokesmen for Stephen Spielberg did announce that he will be sending a video crew to shoot the service and will have the video on sale soon, but will use computer effects to block out all firearms and dangerous corners that could lead to injury.

Coming this summer from Fox TV "Who Wants to Marry The God Of Death!

2010-01-10T01:47:34Z

From the network that brought you such classic TV entertainment as 21 Jump Street, Joe Millionaire and the Adventures of Brisco County JR. now comes the greatest reality TV series of all time. An entertainment spectacle of living goddesses from around the world competing to see…

“Who Wants to Marry a God of Death!”

Death goddesses will compete for the affection of, Anubis! The Egyptian god of the afterlife and newly single after ten thousand years. Each week Anubis will hand out Skulls in a showdown “skull ceremony” Leaving out one goddess who will exit the show in shame crying herself back to her dark realm to take out her frustrations on the helpless souls of the damned.

Asked about his well-publicized fling with ISIS the Egyptian jackal headed hunk was quoted as saying “Isis? Sheeeet! She ain’t no thang!” when asked why he thought it was fare for him to be the center of so much attention he spouted “I ain’t no Hades but, I will fill the bill Ladies” at that he slowly turned around showing off his dapper attire of purple silk and zebra stripes, along with his signature gold canines and silver rhinestone encrusted dog collar. “Yo I get all da ho’s in dese pimped out clothes” he was heard to brag at the well attended Fox network announcement party

Gathered in pursuit of this Mac Daddy of the underworld an army of goddesses from every corner and the mythic world.

First up Hel, Norse goddess of the underworld arrived in her sailing ship made from the fingernails of the dead and announces that she is “A party hound, ready to get down” A jet setter and taker of souls who enjoys drinking the marrow from the bones of those wicked men who can’t deliver in the sack. She is also a collector of eyeballs and is rumored to have the largest collection of Barbie dolls… without heads.

Kali, the tempestuous Indian six armed death goddess who is not afraid to speak her mind and slice the throats of the offending damned. She believes she is destined for victory because she “Knows what a death god wants and with six arm she delivers.” She is known for her mastery of knives and Auto Erotic asphyxiation.

Also joining the party is IZanami-no-Mikoto from Japan, a double threat as a goddess of the both death and a goddess of creation. This stunner is the one they have to look out for. She is not above using her powers for good or evil. “I can do things no other goddess here can do” she was quoted as saying “I do what I want!”

From Ireland the sultry raven haired beauty Morrigan who has said publicly “She isn’t taking no shit and she ain’t gonna quit” She likes long walks in the park and betraying the souls of the lost. She states her shapeshifting powers will give her the edge in the end. “I can be anyone you need me to be sugar.” She said while spitting flames across the parking lot.

A late addition to the show, Loviatar the infamous bad girl of Finland that makes Parris Hilton look like a devote mother superior with a yardstick. Her slogan “I Love! I kill!” is tattooed on he single giant breast and she is said to also posses a serine like voice that can lure any man to his doom. “I needs me a Jackal to make me bark at the moon” She said flashing an evil smile at the army of frenzied paparazzi

Fox has also announced an entry that is not for the squeamish, the goddess Kebechet. An Egyptian in her own right and the goddess of embalming fluid. She is said to have the inside track but what is guaranteed to make the audience shudder in revulsion is the fact that she is the daughter of Anubis. “That’s how we roll Egyptian style YO!” she said in regards to the prospect of divine incest. Outrage as to this blasphemy has only been surpassed by interest as her picture has garnered over a millions hits on the shows web page before the first episode has aired.

The producer of this new reality series is none of other then Doug Manticore of Manticore productions. Other great Manticore productions included “CSI: Olympus” for CBS and the highly rated comedy “Make Time for Thor.” On HBO. At a press conference for FOX television he was quoted as saying. “This show has everything you could want, a little mythology, a little history and more human scarifies then you can shake a blood covered femur at.”

“Apple IPhone is Racist,” Claims Cthulhu

2010-01-08T16:39:03Z

The global tech community was devastated when the now infamous HP notebook was proven to be racist on youtube when it was not able to track the face of African Americans.

On the heals of this news once again the tech community is sent reeling and running for cover with the report Cthulhu, the ancient sleeping god of all evil, dark master of the void and destroyer of souls has launched a class action suit on behalf of all giant octopoid beings when it was revealed that the Iphones vaunted touch screen does not recognize large poised spiked suckered tentacles of other worldly beings in its touch and swipe programming.

“I think it goes without saying that we at apple were aiming the Iphone more for the human market.” Laughed Doug Blatherton of Apple Computer’s in a formal statement, dismissing the very idea of the case. Moments later his head exploded as he emitted a howling cry of blood curdling horror before his soul was sucked into the cold emptiness of a dark and nameless void.

When reached by a media teleconference at CES Cthulhu promised to burn to ashes the soul of those that “do not account for my evil form” and to “take them for all the money they have. You better be ready Bill Gates!” He howled in incalculable rage. When the smug Jimmy Winkle of Tech Crunch dared to remind the master of eternal damnation that it was Steve Jobs that ran Apple not Bill Gates, his body was instantly blown apart as if struck by a hundred spinning blades at once, showering the gathered stunned media with flaming blood and entrails.

This reporter would like to go on the official record as saying Cthulhu the whispering lord of evil is absolutely right, with out question right in all possible ways! Apple and Bill Gates should pay Cthulu, modify their software and find holy ground to hide on for the next seven thousand years.