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ET Phone Found Dead!

            Yesterday Police were requested at the Abyssal Hotel responding to a call from management when staff detected an unpleasant order coming from room 7 the “Panther Room” After knocking and yelling warnings, the Police entered the room registered under the name “Glow Finger” only to discover the 1980’s most beloved icon of aliens, ET, dead from an apparent combination of drugs and alcohol.

            Long time friend Yoda, who appearing on CNN's Larry King last night said, “Alcohol he could not take, Movie you see for proof of that.” Then added in a solemn tone, “For him the intervention to late is.”

            President Tinkerbelle of the Union of Luminous Beings Local 757 held a press conference today stating, “When Hollywood needs a hero for a child’s story they jump at whatever glowing limb or luminous beings they can lay their hand on.”

            ULB 757 Vice President Rudolf the Rednose Reindeer added “This is the sort of tragedy that occurs when Hollywood uses then neglects it’s most beloved figures. Look at the sad demise of the Antarean aliens from Cocoon, has Hollywood learned nothing?”

            The well documented downward spiral of ET began immediately after the release of his smash 80’s movie. it started with his investing his sizable proceeds in the Atari game company and Michael Dukakis for president campaign. He lost it all as his game languished, Atari folded and Dukakis was soundly trounced and went on to start an artificial eyebrow prosthetic company. In the end ET was forced to auction off his spaceship like mansion and exotic hover car collection to pay bill collectors and the IRS back taxes he owed after they denied his Alien status as a disability.

            At one time the likes of Steven Spielberg, Drew Barrymore and Michel Jackson would take his calls in a glowing heartbeat but soon he couldn’t even phone home. Making the rounds of public service announcements and Christmas specials the fatal blow to his dwindling career fell when Universal Studios closed down the ET ride leaving him without a source of income and living in a trailer park where he paid rent by offering his plant healing skills to local pot growers.

            The final straw seems to have been his now infamous audition for Steven Spielberg’s remake of War of Worlds. A role he stated he was “Born to play” When he showed up fifty pounds overweight and slurring his lines it was decided to go with computer generated aliens. This rejection seemed to have been the beginning of the end. “There’s no more place for actors like me, its all Freaking CG!” he screamed as he stormed out of the audition an event recorded and posted on Youtube and has received over seven hundred thousand hits.

            Celebrity addiction specialist Dr. Drew was reported to have been in talks to include the ET in his upcoming VH1 reality program called “Washed up 80’s Rehab” But no announcements or statements have been forth coming from Dr. Drew or VH1

            The sad last days of ET were made even worse by the release on TMZ of a video of this once beloved Alien offering himself for rides to young boys on bicycles at Venice Beach. On the grainy handheld video you could hear this alien, who once had millions, haggling for a hand full of Reese’s Pieces.

            Funeral services are planned for Thursday and inside sources say that none of the big Hollywood names from his past will be attending. Spokesmen for Stephen Spielberg did announce that he will be sending a video crew to shoot the service and will have the video on sale soon, but will use computer effects to block out all firearms and dangerous corners that could lead to injury.