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“Painful, Painful to the extreme!” that’s how Apollo God of war responded while exiting the hospital hand wrapped in white cloth bandages. “I mean who would have thought that a three headed hound that guards the gates of the underworld could bite so hard!”

Hades the legal owner of the Cerberus stated that he was “A faithful guard and has never bitten any save for the souls of the dammed who from time to time try to break out of the underworld to roam the dark as living corpses. Also he is a wonderful family pet, great with kids.”

At the gateway to hell police tape holds back crowds of the slain waiting for entrance into the underworld. Here there are stains of blood, a broken chain with three ends and a sign stating  “Don’t tease the hound.. this goes for you Apollo!”

Apollo stated in his statement to law enforcement that he was not “teasing the beast”, but admits he was waving aggressively at the dead crossing Styx. “Hey some people drink, some like strippers, I tease the forlorn souls of the dammed, does that make me a Demon?” 

Hades has lashed out that “Apollo is still upset that he managed to license Apollo’s name to NASA in the sixties for a rocket program and just can’t let it go,” stating that “This is not the first time that I have had run in with this pipsqueak.”

Tyr god of justices and head of the Anti Devine Canine league has spoken out that this yet another senseless attack of a large mythic canines and that “There is no reason for these beast at all. Maybe Hades should invest in a nice poodle.” 

“Poodle!” fired back the Greek god of the underworld. “We would be up to our temples in undead flesh eating zombies if the underworld was guarded by a Poodle” Maybe Tyr should take juggling lessons.

Judge Odin latter that day released Cerberus back to its owner stating that “Giant Devine Canines pose no real threats to the mythical creatures of the earth. It’s not like these beast can swallow you or anything”

Tyr has announced that he is going to appeal this case all the way to the celestial courts. “I’m telling you, beasts like this have no place in our world and should never be trusted. They should all be bound by chains on some distant island.” 

In the middle of a recessionary recovery that seems to be going nowhere fast, now comes news that has rocked the economies of the world and sent stock market values plunging. Last Wednesday lawyers from Mythica delivered a notice to the governments of the earth at the UN. The contents of this “Notice” are just now being released and the news is pretty grim.

In the single largest disability claim in history the Giant Tortoise Kurma has made it clear that he is no longer able to support the world on his back. Sighting medical reports clearly showing both stress factures and signs of carpel shell syndrome, Kurma has filed a claim so large that if paid would represents 25% of all wealth ever made upon the Earth.

In a closed session of the UN security council attorneys for Kurma stated that “It cannot be easy both medically and physically to support the weight of the entire world plus four fat elephants that have done nothing to control their weight.”

In response the four pillar elephants plan to go on Oprah to talk about their weight issues. They have stated many times that “holding the world on your back looks easy but you don’t get a lot of aerobic activity. Weight issues are a constant battle.”

The UN has promised to launch a crack team of Medical experts to validate a claim this large as soon as the giant Texas sized MRI is funded and completed. A member of the Security Council speaking off the record stated, “After the last months disastrous Copenhagen meeting on climate change it is unclear how dedicated the world is to act to preserve it’s self on this issue.”

Dr. Secundis the UN’s top medical aid specialist spoke from Haiti this morning stating “Paying the claim is one thing, treating a shell this large is going to take centuries in a recovery clinic of unimaginable proportions”

Long time companion of Kurma and Japanese kaiju actor from the 60’s Gamera is planning on reuniting with his all Turtle SKA band to hold a world wide media event to raise money for this “shell enhancement procedures” This afternoon Howard Kaylan and Mark Volman, the famous Flo and Eddie of the band “The Turtles” announced that they will be onboard as well along with all four of the teenage mutant ninja turtles who have put aside their legal difference to “Speak up for the big dude, he’s the best, just turtles all the way down man.” said Donatello during an MTV interview. 

Meanwhile spokesman for the Testudines Anti-defamation League and one time child icon turned activist, Yertle, stated on the TADL web page that “When will the world see us as anything but slow and dim witted? We cannot afford to hide in our shells on this issue. You can’t just put us in shoe box, feed us lettuce and tell us to shut up anymore!"

The worldwide stock market downturn shows no sign of letting up as the status of this gigantic medical claim has been changed to pending.

            I was sitting in my office on the lower north side of Mythica, you may know it as Norse town, a gritty place, not for the weak of heart. For me, this place is home. My office is on the second floor right above Idunn’s apples, a seedy bar and by that I mean everything drink they serve is a mixed apple drink. Hey, rents cheep and the drinks are passable so I can’t complain.

            Things were tight, you would think after finding the lost car shop of Atlantis and recovering the miracle electric car that gets ten thousand miles to the gallon of gas I would be flush with work… but I would have had a better chance of surviving Ragnarok in covered in flammable jelly then getting a job in the last month.

            I was just about to call it a day, when she came in. My secretary, a notorious Harpy, had taken off for the day having heard of a ship of men was sighted off the coast. She had left in a hurry leaving everything unlocked. I could see her outline through the glass of my office door and it said trouble. She knocked and without thinking I invited her in.

            “Are you Sam Grendal?”  she asked.

            “That depends,” I said. “Are you single?”

            She laughed that way most Nymph laugh. A way that says, “Oh I’m laughing now but I will give you the best loving you have ever had then leave you for the next satyr that crosses my track because you can’t commit and work too many long hours…” I've heard it all before.

            “I would like to higher you,” she said taking a seat opposite of me. “My father Apollo has gone missing.”

            I told her right then “I don’t take Greek cases baby,” Try Spartacus Jones.

            “I tried him,” she said with a careless laugh. “He’s just not that into sex.”

            “I don’t take sex for payment,” I warned her and when she asked why I told her “Sex don’t pay no bills and because my land lord is a male and I don’t want see how he would makes change for a payment in sex.”

            She promised me she would pay conventionally but didn’t have the money right now. She told me a sob story about how her father was worth millions and that were I to find him he would pay me a hefty sum. I don’t like working for vague amounts but this is Mythica the land of myth and that’s the way things are done.

            I told her I would take the case but she would have to tell me everything. She offered to do it in a nude interpretive dance but I suggested that telling me would be fine. Ha! Nymphs. 

            So it went like this, Apollo was working some angel trying to smuggle in illegals.   You see standard myths all have personifications but there was an entire other race of myths based on modern concepts that are crossing the boarder ever day taking jobs from normal law abiding myths. 

            He had apparently signed up with a Cuban who went by the name “Workers Paradise” she mentioned that I should start there. Apollo ran a day labor pool and was getting his labor from Workers Paradise. After while they would set the laborers up and they would become citizens under some cover name and pay 1 tenth of what they made to Workers Paradise while Apollo got cheep labor.

            Against my better judgment I took the case for my standard fee. I could have jacked the price up but there was something about her. Something that said danger but also something that said “He sailor you come her often.”  You had to be careful working with Nymphs their magical charm could turn you inside out but I was sure I was seeing things right.

            After she left I hailed a Centaur and told him Greek town. The ride was bumpy and I couldn’t get her out of my mind. Nymphs were like that, like watching high school catholic girls all lined up in their uniforms, you couldn’t purge it from your mind…uh but that’s… something else all together.

            I knew better then sticking my nose in where it didn’t belong. I decided to take the long way round and I knew where to start. Get a little background information first is the smart play. Just barging in without knowing the ground is a good way to get kicked in the tail.

            I hopped off at the Aquifer a local dive that catered to the low life’s and wanna be demigods who all thought they were hot shit. Inside it was happy hour and the joint was busy. I ordered a whisky and got an Ambrosia sour instead.

            I saw him in the corner holding court with a hand full of muses. He saw me coming at the last moment and tried to get up to run but the it was too late. “Going someplace Aristaeus? I asked.

            “I was.. I was Ju ju ju ju just going ba ba back to my pasture,” He stammered. Now I may be half dragon but I’m no dummy. I pushed him back into the booth and the muses scattered.

            “You buying a round of drinks for the ladies?” I asked. “How does a demigod of pasture lands, cows and bees make that sort of scratch?” He looked at me with those big brown eyes.

            “I I I found some...”

            “Save it for the police,” I told him. “I know your working with your father.”

            He looked like he was about to choke on a pickle.

            “My father is Uranus,” He spat.

            “Yeah!” I told him, everyone knew the tale and everyone know that when Uranus was away that’s when Apollo came to play.

            “Listen you have one chance to come clean on this,” As I spoke I caught sight of a two hoplites in the corner giving me the stink eye.

            “I I I Cant talk here,” He said nodding to the hoplites. “Co co come by my pasture tonight at the full moon. I Pa pa pa promise to be there.”

            I let him go, I knew just being seen with me was dangerous enough. I found my way out and was heading up Xerxes alley when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to face the two hoplites.

            “What are you doing back in Greek town?” said the shorter of the two.

            “You know me boys I’m half dragon I ‘m here ripping the arms off of people”  They didn’t like that answerer and took a step back.  Now to be honest I’m only a quarter dragon on my mothers side but they didn’t need to know that.

            “Zeus ain’t going to like you hanging out in Greek town,” said the taller Hoplite who was missing half his nose. I remembered him from the case of the broken sword. Lets just say the metaphor nose to the grindstone works no better in Mythica then in real life.

            “Yeah! “ agreed the shorted Hoplite. “He aint gonna to take nicely to you being here.”

            “We’ll you tell Zeus I’m working a case. Nothing to do with him and he wont hear boo from me.” I knew these two would be trouble, I pondered ripping their arms off right there but decided against it. They scurried off to find their boss to let him know I was in town, by the time the big man got the word I hoped to be gone.

            Back home by dinner I told myself. Out of harms way, case solved and maybe even my favorite nymph would show up and expressing her appreciation for my swift action.. Done by dinner… but sometimes the greatest myth is the one we tell our selves.

……Tune in next week for more Sam Grendal Private Eye

(Ratatosk Daily Chitter) Asgardians face a difficult commute as the Bifrost Bridge, the only bridge linking the Norse heaven with Midgard, was closed by chief enginer Heimdahl after an act of Terrorism that destroyed the entire middle span. “I don’t mean to blow my own horn here but I have been warning about this for the last five centuries” said Heimdall “What will it take to get the political system of Asgard to get on the same page and build another bridge that has been overdue since 1066."

Resistance to long proposed Midgard Bypass Bridge has been stalled for almost a thousand years as each god vies for their own personal feature. Thor, Norse god of thunder has refused to give his stamp of approval to a new bridge unless a special giant goat pulled chariot lane was added.

Opposing Thor, Frey the fertility god has been equally determined to add a commuter cat lane for any vehicle pulled by cats or for gods who sport a giant penis not a “stubby little hammer”. Some point the finger of blame directly at Odin, the All Father himself for his insistence on the addition of light rail tracks, a bike commuter path and an eight legged horse express lane for the reason that the Midgard Bypass bridge project has ground to a halt. 

Meanwhile question remain as to just what happened to cause the mid span collapse. Such destruction has never before been seen on the Bifrost. Strange, giant sized Runic graffiti located near the collapsed span translates into “!Ti Did ikoL”  but police chief Tyr said while visiting the bridge that there is nothing to go on so far, but went on to state that he is betting his remaining good hand that he will catch the perpetrator of what he called the single greatest act of terrorism ever to strike the nine world. 

Even Loki the Norse God of Mischief speaking by phone after he entered his tenth stint in “Evil Rehab” decried the terrorist as “Wanton, evil, foul, bastard, obviously an evil mastermind. probably a shape shifter. such a low being probably breeds with horses and giants if you ask me.” He then broke into evil maniacal laughter and shouted “Kiss It!” and hung up.

 Heimdall is estimating repairs to take four full moons and cost a staggering ten percent of the Asgardians annual budget. When asked by snarled commuters what they should do until then,  responded with. “you go two choices waiting and learning to climb down a giant tree.”

As a precaution Chief Tyr has elevated the Asgardian terrorist alert to “Fenrir”

The harbor is running red with blood as violence explodes between rival gangs. The long established peace of the 43^rd pier Tritons and the Riverton Mermen ended after rapper Notorious F.I.N. and was slain outside the treasure chest club on Saturday night.

            Despite a heavy police presence in response to the slaying it didn’t take long for things to get out of hand. The seas exploded in a feeding frenzy of violence as the two rivals went at it scale and tale, Each side arming themselves with everything from harpoons and tridents to nets and spinning glows.

            Many believe that Notorious F.I.N was killed in retaliation for last months slaying of popular mermen rapper Biggy GILs who was found murdered in his palatial coral estate recording studio. This murder case has yet to yield a single witness despite the presence of over two hundred party goers.

            Police have responded to the mounting violence by deploying more patrol boats and a virtual army of nixies, sea nymphs and giant crabs to keep but the peace. Few hold out hope that the increased police presence will be effective at curbing the violence. 

            Even Police chief Nessy, once Scotland’s strict “netting and depth charging” law enforcement official, seems to be at a loss as to how to end this cycle of violence. She started with what sounded like a conciliatory tone when she opened her press conference with “This sad escalation of violence can only bring about more death and destruction and benefit only the sushi chefs of the world.”

            The battle is over drugs. The 43^rd Pier Tritons once exclusive grip on Sea Weed has been broken by a new golf steam connection that has made the Mermen richer and better armed then ever. The Tritons have responded by encroaching on the Mermens sales of a snortable seashell based drug that goes by the street name of “Blowfish” and has become all the rages in schools across the sea.

            Now the battle is over turf and the reefs have become a war zone. Where once there was peace now the sound of Swim-By’s fill the night and the chop chop chop of spinning propellers has become commonplace.

            Responsible rappers such as Puffer Daddy have reached out to the community calling for a peaceful resolution stating, “This doesn’t need to happen we are all the children of the sea.” Meanwhile rapper Flavor Fin has stated “We should stop being suckerfish and focus our energy on fighting the real enemy, the hands behind the nets”

            As another low tide approaches it is doubtful anything will have changed. One local lobster reportedly packing up to move spoke for all the locals when he said. “You can’t teach these young men. They were spawned and abandoned to grow on their own. They have no moral compass. We are all one school, until we realize that the killing will continue.”