Dysgraphia:
I bet you have never heard of it. Neither had the Portland public schools when I was growing up. You also won't find it in Microsoft Word. Type out the word 'dysgraphia' and you will get a red line. In my book, that is irony.
Dysgraphia (or agraphia) is a deficiency in the ability to write-- regardless of the ability to read-- not due to intellectual impairment.
People with dysgraphia often can write on some level but they
can also lack basic spelling skills, and often will write the wrong word when trying to formulate thoughts. In childhood, the disorder generally emerges when they are first introduced to writing. They make inappropriately sized and spaced letters, or write wrong or misspelled words despite thorough instruction. Children with the disorder may have no social or other academic problems. Dysgraphics often will exceed in verbal or spoken skills to compensate for writen deficiencies.
Stress:
There are some common problems not related to dysgraphia but often associated with dysgraphia, the most common of which is stress. Often children (and adults) with dysgraphia will become extremely frustrated with the task of writing (and spelling); younger children may cry or refuse to complete written assignments. This frustration can cause the child (or adult) a great deal of stress and can lead to stress related illnesses. Other common environmental sources of stress in the classroom setting are (a) high levels of environmental noise, and (b) over-illumination. This can be a result of any symptom of
dysgraphia.
This is not Dyslexia:
Often when growing up teachers thought I had dyslexia and tests said I had dyslexia -- I even pretended to have dyslexia when asked-- but the truth is I see letters in words ok. I have no problem reading at all. I have always read far above my grade level-- when I was in school, and after.
I don't know how it is with others with dysgraphia but with me, I have no other learning problems. I can grasp and understand complex and abstract ideas. My problem comes when I have to write about them. I can speak about them all day long, but writing about them... big problem.
Dysgraphia Is A Horrible Curse!:
I don't care about the cause; I don't care about the why's and the when's. What I can tell you is it's a horrible thing to have to always make excuses. I was writing on the bus, I was up late, I was in a hurry, my spell checker was not working or did the wrong thing...
I have had friends --good friends-- hold my work up for public ridicule thinking it was a joke. I laugh along but every time, inside it freaking hurts.
Responses:
I have lived a life of shame because of this.
No one out there can imagine how often this comes up and how many times my insides have twisted with rage over this freaking curse.
Not a bad speller:
Yes, that would be simple, but if that were the case then it would get better with practice. I have spent lots of time working on it but the truth is simple."IT DOESN'T MATTER." So here is the proof: I did a search on my computer of all email and written material and pulled up my name. I spelled my name wrong 30% of the time. Now even my biggest detractors will have to admit that I know how to spell my own freaking name. If I just was "a bad speller".
The Big Problem:
The big problem is I'm a born storyteller. I don't know if I could be a writer but I know I have the stories and the ideas in me. I know that storytelling is at the very heart and soul of who I am. Imagine wanting to be a runner and being born with no legs, a painter
who loses his eyesight, a singer who has no voice. This is what I feel when I sit down to write and look back at a page of red marks from my spell checker. It often takes me three times longer to check, fix, and correct my writing then it did to write them.
The bigger problem is I would like to take classes to become a better writer. I would like to learn more about story structure and character development and drama but when you are trapped in dysgraphialand no one thinks you are worthy of learning more. They always say, "well you need to master the basics". Well, I can never master the basics of writing no matter how I try.
Because of this in school I was always in the worst classes because every single placement test you could take was written. I got average to poor grades except in history and political science classes. So there Dan sits in basic reading in fifth grade. Everyone else is reading simple stuff. I am reading and understanding the Silmarillion. The teachers would not believe me.
The Big Disincentive:
So writing-- the one thing I need to do to tell my stories-- is the one thing I can never excel at. Every creative endeavor I have ever set upon has been in some way sabotaged by this curse. Time after time it has stopped me. Well the truth is I am going to give it one more try. What you are reading and this web page is my last chance at doing something I dearly love. If I cannot make this work in, say, the next three years I will be done writing and story creating for the rest of my life. I know that sounds extreme, but the truth is : do I want to spend the rest of my life struggling for something I cannot make happen?
So there you have a confession that will surprise no one who knows me.
Just so you know, I do not hold a grudge over any past issues. If you are my fifth grade English teacher who wadded up my paper on Dune and said "Try again in English" or if you are a friend who liked to point out something publicly-- no problem. I really have no issues there. My issues with this curse are all on the inside with me
Don't worry, I still love you all.... except for that idiot English teacher.
That is a first time confession.
-DEC-
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